Thoughts on 45

I’m 45 today. This means that I am officially 15 years older than my dad and my sister were when they died and 5 years away from the age my mother died. Fucked up way of looking at things huh? Stay with me though.

I have had some amazing birthdays in my life. I am grateful and lucky to have a husband who has gone out of his way to make my birthday special over the years. I have some of the best friends and family who have been there to cheer me on or just get me wasted.

I am also lucky and grateful to the Universe that in spite of my tremendous partying and wilful neglect of my health for many years in my youth, I don’t look my age or whatever that is supposed to mean. I often joke that the only reliable advice I can give in life is to always use a quality moisturiser. I stand by this joke. I also don’t necessarily act my age or whatever that is supposed to mean. I am aware of the societal definitions that produce these images of how and what we are supposed to look like at a certain age and I firmly reject them. Nor will I waste my time listing them, deep down we all know what these are and sometimes they feel more like nooses than goals.

I have come to the conclusion that my life resembles more a first attempt at Spiral Art. Do you remember that toy? Does it even still exist?  I used to love it as a kid. Circles over circles, over circles, over circles which look like a fucking mess up close. But as you stand back, well they start to look pretty, chaotic and a bit “I think I know what you were getting at.” The thing is though, with Spiral Art much like life, you can continue to build on the picture because it is all down to you how much you want to build.

That, my friends brings me to my thoughts on where I am today on this 45th Birthday. I can hear my dearly departed friend Andy in his Louisiana accent say as he often would to me, “Oh no, she’s on her soapbox again.”

Miss you Andy and yes, she is because it’s my birthday and I will soapbox if I damn want....

1. I don’t pat myself on the back enough and that shit needs to stop.
2. It took me a long time to be proud of where I am from and if the pandemic has taught me one thing, it is that those roots have been vital in my own survival.
3. I do have kids, they just happen to have fur and each day with them is a blessing.
4. Gratitude has to be practiced daily in order for happiness to thrive.
5. Happiness is a choice you have to make daily.
6. I no longer have the patience or energy to deal with snobbery of any form.
7. Not everyone has to be in your life.
8. Screaming at the top of your lungs is liberating.
9. Cry often, if you don’t those feelings will find a way out and you may not be prepared for that.
10. I may never find a physical place in this world where I fully fit in but home is a feeling and I can make a home anywhere as a result.
11. I have never and will never fit into a box, that is somebody else’s issue, not mine. I love that my reflection is a tapestry of experiences.
12. Sophie Ellis Bextor’s music makes me happy and I can’t explain it.
13. As much as I miss those who have left this plane, I am so much richer in life for having had the honour of them in my life and that is the most important lesson to take away from death.
14. A difference of opinion and a difference of values is an important distinction to make.
15. Your life is yours to make and narrate. Whist others can write their version, you are the only one that can give yourself a voice.

 
I’ll leave you with two songs that sum up how I feel about life right now. They are both in Spanish but you can Google the lyrics in English or just enjoy the musical sentiment.

Fangoria “Dramas y Comedias” and Dorian “Los Amigos Que Perdi”